wide open spaces

Time:

4:18 am.

i'm at college. my room mate is sleeping in the back right corner. she's good at that. i, on the other hand, am not. i just ate 2 bananas.mmmm
that's what a mini fridge is for, keeping your alcohol and cafeteria steals.

i enjoy it here. it is a bit overwhelming being surrounded by ppl 24/7 and trying to be alone, every now and then. i do love them. everyone i've met is overly nice, offering their name and handshakes. i have never shook so many hands. i wash mine a lot. we were told to.
there's a purell dispenser in our bathroom but no paper towels.

i live in the midst of "frat row." i love it. not the frats in particular, but the unrefined reality of our hall. the lew crew lives on the edge of campus, right on packard and prof row. we are a 1o minute walk from davis sq and a 20 minute bike ride from harvard.

the t has become my new best friend. take the red line inbound to park ave and switch to the green line towards lechmere, get off at the museum stop.

i slept on the grassy lawn in front of the mfa yesteryesterday. it was after my first papermaking class. i fell in love. i am learning to make paper with old ladies who grow papermaking plants and talk about paper passionately.

my classes are not bad at all. we watch private screenings of old black and white movies on sunday evenings for english and play with computers in math. i also am starting photo again, and it terrifies me. i still have to find a cylindrical oatmeal container.

if your in the mood, give me a call. i love them. i'm beginning to become an addict.

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Time:

12:04 am.

got back tonight from lbi. didn't really know what to expect when i was invited for the weekend. or invited myself. or was forced. guilted. i don't know
got to know a possible extended family.
if jean and my dad were married, semi gag, we would be the dysfunctional brady bunch. think 4 boys and 4 girls, except we provide one of the boys.

i'm liking these mini social adventures. minor social phobias.

a baby locked me in a closet.

must paint (a garden) soon

nyc living is doing. nanny is now mom.

trust issues +++

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Time:

10:21 pm.

i rarely EVER post so i guess this entry is an amazing event. like some comet coming after 75 years that some beared old astronomer predicted and pointed to, while freaking out when he saw that bright light in the sky

well, life goes and goes

my current hobbies include:

eating on the hour every hour
visiting different doctors (who are now my best friends..not quite..complete sarcasm i practically freak out a day before seeing any of them. i hate the confines of white walls and leafing through fit pregnancy)

-break: a giant special moth keeps banging into my window!!! AAH! i am that moth.

i have decided art can no longer be denied. i had an emotional instance today and have been having one almost every day b/c i realize how i deny myself of the things ppl need to live: 1. art 2. friends 3. family 4. good food 5. crafts 6. reading

i love how art is first.
well i just don't read the paper anymore. i dunno
and i've decided that i want to pursue 1. languages (spanish, french, alalala) 2. cultural studies of some kind 3. woman's studies 4. TONS of art and learn how to master 1. digital camera 2. a laptop 3. itunes...freaking pain in my ass i love u
i am technologically helpless. stranded. throw me a line.

anyways..tomorrow equals waking up early for mural painting (gah! i love what kills me) and then doctors apT! hopefully buying some prom shoes..hmmm why do i leave things to the last few possible hours (literally) mastering my hair/nails on my OWN!!! aaaaaaaaaaah! assistance is needed. and 2 pm di's, prom, prom after party. i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i hope it's sexy.
i am a nerd. i love typing and reading virginia woolf research books..she inspires me to create artwork and not feel like i'm being selfish in the process.
warm weather reminds me of risd. i miss you. ps: i will only be 3o minutes away (boston) for the next 5 years so expect a visit. visit me. i get lonely too.

well this is the end of a long road which took about 10 seconds to write.
i must say i love you all..i kinda feel like i have friends? wow! that is new. no, really it's true. and i LOVE it. hahhaaha. damn its getting late and i have more writing to get to. oooo virginia!! you are a raging lesbian!!!! woooo hoooO!

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Time:

1:59 pm.

my computer has is and will be crashed
so i have not updated

to be honest, i don't really enjoy ljing as much anymore. i've realized how much of my life was dedicated to the internet and keeping up on this pseudo social things so every now and again i go on the myspace and see if i have a comment, but i'm trying not to revert back to my obsessive days. i sound like an addict: hello, my name is valerie... well it's all part of the 10 step program any how.

ap testing: i am questiong whether i should have spent so much time studying when in the end i don't feel like i did as well as i could have. round 3 tomorrow at 7:30 english. then i'm done. i just wish i could get some college cred for this crap

anyways, i hope this community is doing well. i've kinda stopped reading the entries b/c i'm sooo far behind u guys are so good at this posting business :P there's something about seeing my name in someone else's post that makes me smile. maybe it's because i have written proof that someone out there was/is thinking of me.

it is nice to think that someone is thinking of me.

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Subject:	its not the same
Time:	5:18 pm.

i've got the blues.

family and friends..we're not connecting

i feel completely out of place...ALL the time.

open my mouth at home, get shot down. who doesn't want to go to africa for spring break? goddamn. nobody listens.

will the shouting never cease?

am i whispering? cause i'm not getting answers to my questions.

i feel like i'm forcing myself to be social.

not sure bout my choices.

still stressed out.

i think i've stopped trying,

but i'm still caring.

i'm sorry to those i walked out on earlier. i just can't get it together.

it doesn't have to be difficult, but that's how i make it. gr.

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Subject:	since it's the cool thing to do...
Time:	10:55 pm.

my keyboard has carrot shreds caught between the j and k .
thank you incessant stuff your face reflex

hands are suffering from a mild case of sticky.
the result of vigorous orange peeling habit

what is love? baby don't hurt me. don't hurt me anymore.

i love art.
i love free ranging it around glorious room after glorious room of paintings, furniture, jewelry, tapestry, sculpture, the list goes on...
i love being an art history student and truly appreciating the masters more and understanding the more recent art movements
i love how we gather around paintings and discuss, trying to not sound pretentious while offering our sincere opinions.
i love finding works i recognize from books, slides, and lectures. and knowing a bit of the artists' life to back it up
i love lagging behind the group while i take b&w snapshots of the city and then hurrying to catch up at the stoplight
i love the whisper and giggle surrounding the bronzino and references to humanity.
i love the gerard richter book on the floor next to this chair
i love my sketchbook at arms length away from me
i love unsuspecting models

i love knowing that i can dedicate my life to artmaking, a mingling of excitement and terror into one hyperventilating mass armed with a paintbrush and an idea

i feel almost like stephen but not quite. i am no christian struggling with my faith, but i feel as if i should do more and talk less.

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Subject:	cake bebe
Time:	7:06 pm.

best birthday party EVER:

1. celebrating with mandy
2. loving everyone who came. especially those who pulled strings to get there
3. cake. penetration.
4. assembling the cake. yes that's the christmas tablecloth
5. the video. and now i will forever associate ears with classical music and naked men
6. people baking vegan . you are amazing.
7. all the help
8. and EVERYthing else

great time. especially considering the physical abuse i sustained during previous birthday celebrations.

however, i am very tired and sickly now. and have a spanish oral, calc packet, english response paper, soc packet, art assignment to do. blah
o and a dentist appt tom.
and so it goes...

thanks to all who made cards and gave gifts!! and those who wished me well with colleges. it means A LOT to me. :)

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Subject:	sissyasslamoassgripeyboogeymonsterkid
Time:	10:14 pm.

NOTICE: BOSTON IS MY NEW HOME.

YUP i AM DONE WITH that COLLEGE business. minus the scary last paragraph of the TUFTS acceptance letter which stated they can revoke the admittance w/e they're pmsing or i'm just not up to par. but they will love me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
FIVE FLIPPIN LOVABLE years of continuous ART of the liberal and hand made sort.

i am ALSO
EIGHTEEEN

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Time:

10:54 pm.

finishing up the last app and reading HoBO, a sweet ass quarterly photo journal

i sense that the rest of this year will be filled with artmaking, since i have started four/five large projects and have yet to finish onE. and yea, those marking period projects..not happening. i don't want to slap something together and hand it in. not my style. i'll wait for a refreshing mug of coffee and leaf through magazines until i find my muse. which i hAVE discovered as of tonight, but am not positive on the details.

this coming week is looking busy. not going to bore u with the details of my EXCITING life, but can't wait for coney tues, eugene lang interview wed, and finding out about TUFTS. don't get your hopes up kids, probably getting deferred again. which i have come to accept. no tears here.

um our treadmill burned the rubber off my shoes. my pooooor, unfooortunate soles. so sad so true.

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Subject:	i <3 bach much
Time:	10:23 pm.

had an almost nervous break down today.

it became more of a fit as i quelled the waves of anger and frustration with my usual rememdy. YES, i have developed a recovery formula (and i'm sure u all have a routine) because colleges have unleashed the not so jolly green beast inside of me. no i don't rip off my clothes while filling out applications, sorry to disappoint, but i do freak out and sometimes hyper ventilate. however this occures only on special occasions, like when i think i've finally mailed a college out of my hands and suddenly it comes back to bite me in the ass. also discovering at the VERY last minute (a month becomes a minute in senior land) that you are going to be defered from a school through some freak mishap and that you must hurry your little ass up and apply to four more colleges on whim is a kick in the face, but better than NOT discovering through some freak accident that you might be defered from college of choice and being stuck in bumblefuck.
so i indulged in cursing, a hot bath, and various foods, until i rebooted.

i am on the LAST application tho, U. of Michigan. i like the sound of Ann Arbor and a School of Art and Design.

i am relatively fucked when it comes to this marking period's grades.
no way in hell the calc C is going anywhere fast
and my studio art projects are FARFARFAR from done, and they are due tuesday.
plus upcoming tests in various classes.
but ENOUGH bitching about academics because that hardly counts for living.
i got back my rolls of film and results are better than expected. altho, b & w has this uncanny way of making my subjects look deranged and fuzzy. but i can't wait to take some more shots

well that's all for now. back to the grind. er

o one more thing, i don't sleep anymore. i wake up at least 3 times a night. or sometimes i think it's 6:30 am, hobble downstairs and proceed to pour myself a giant bowl of cereal, only to realize its 2:30 am, and i'm going blind.

now there truly is no more to share so gooooood night.

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Subject:	i'm a sucka for country music
Time:	8:45 pm.

since i've downloaded my cd collection (well a good portion) onto the ipod, i've been listening to nostalgic tracks.
"the D in detroit" by the anniversary= walking around town on brisk gray autumn afternoons taking pictures of trees sophomore year in my taking back sunday sweatshirt with the sewn on sweater sleeves.

today had to be the first time in the longest that our whole family has interacted (since mom left and margie wasn't in the house). previous record was around an hour.
it's comforting knowing that everyone is here for me RIGht now Right HERE. usually i have no idea where everyone is or when they'll be back so i have to whip out the self reliance survival skills but today i can lounge around and let ppl emotionally care for me.

i have started painting again. and need to get this beast completed by FRIDAY > ha <

shot my first roll of b&w in a bagillion years

can't decide whether i want to apply to u of michigan. that's why i came online, but i'm so flIPPINg tired of this college business and would i truthfully consider going there?
good reasons are greatly appreciated

in other news, i am procrastinating. there were some important things..or just things that i wanted to say but i can't remember. should i have a mug of coffee? then paint and sleep in late. tempting

i may not always have the words to express how beautiful the world is today, but i can show you.

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Subject:	events of a previous we
Time:	4:27 pm.

so i was supposed to go to b-water but i dunno what's going on right now...i'm obviously not there.

so i stayed up REALLY late last night--like 4 am--making sock creatures..yeeaa. and i JUST gave one away to my little 2nd cousen of 4 months. :) that made me really happy, along with my second mug of pumpkin spice (why am i so addicted?)

i am :

mon: young. (VERY young) digital media student, learning about pixels, ccd screens an such
tues: chilean feminist socialist smoozing with presidental candidates and UN embassadors at a hip restaurant in the city. dropping digits and picking up latino hotties
wed: marshmelow in 3 layers of sweatshirts
thurs: analytic b&w photographer learning from the best
fri: spontaneous. i left school early to enjoy the air and quit my job
sat: determined and a smart shopper. picked up some creative diy mags, smoothie, vegan cookies, tried to sell some vinyl, and might have snagged a job.

its still afternoon and dark out. this depresses me sorta. also, my camera seems to be sick b/c it runs out the batteries constantly.

well i should get going . relatives . scavengerhunting? or more sock critter creating?
we will see.

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Subject:	wannawannawannawannawanna
Time:	12:44 am.

i love my b&w photo class, and it was only the first day, in which i arrived late after dangerous highway maneuvering (no i wouldn't call it driving)my stuff falls out of bag ( crashing to the floor multiple times), i rustlerustlerustle like its my job, my phone goes off "HELLO MOTO" freaking creepy dance party in a small silver block, BUT i think i'm going to LEARN OSOOOO FREeeEEAKin much!!! yes i am really excited cause i've been waiting to get this stuff in my head for a looong while. plus viera (old buddy from printmaking back in the day) is in a class at the same time so sushi and coffee is a thursday must from now on.

MANGINA. i just have been informed as to what that is. don't give me that look. yes, u have it.

and digital media on tues!!! looks like school work just isn't happening anymore.
and i finally figured out some of my painting. just wait. i'm really hoping i get to work on it this looong weekend.

.alien's must have abducted me this week.

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Time:

10:55 pm.

my spinal chord is curdling with convulsive shivers. a hot bath would be nice.

spent 2 hours after school on calc, realized that i will NOT and NEver understand numbers. i only solved one problem in a set of bagillions. yea.
then went to photo class (!!!) and sped home from summit to get home around 10.
i have a buttload of homework, and i hate this media player.
i've been so tired/jaded/stressed/confused/cold lately.
so much work so little time and motivation.
people confuse me. bend one way with you and the other with me.

i just want to meet someone who doesn't give an attractive fuck about it all.

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Subject:	show me how to do that step i never thought i could.
Time:	9:18 pm.

i have decided to do only things that make me smile and find a way to make everything else do the same.

i'm wearing this ginormous white knit hat. it's practically engulfed my entire forehead, and honestly, i barely seeing the computer screen right now. it's just too lovable to take off.

i really like people right now. and my new skirts. but people mainly.
there's not much to say, o except that my entire family, minus the little sister, has decided to eat healthier (that means more vegan options!!!wooooohoooo!!!) and possibly become pescatarians. crazy

o so even tho my brother feels for the animals, he didn't put in the newborn baby calf last night, and we found it this morning torn in half. way to be. i think i'll do chores with him tonight.

i think i may be developing something of a crush. yea, i'm in love with u all. but i dunno. now i feel giddy as a school girl, therefore, i'm ending it now before i make more of an ass of myself.

ta ta!

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Subject:	the weirdest funk
Time:	5:37 pm.

i had a dance with nature today: grabbed my camera, music, and walking shoes, entered the forest, beebopped on dirt paths for only the bark of trees and the eyes of an occasional biker. i tried to free the encased shrubbery from the frame workings of wire, and ran through grassy fields as my paint splattered jeans began slipping off. this excursion lasted about two hours, not long enough, but the sun and my camera were out.
THAT was the goal of my winter break.
THAT has been the goal of these past few months.
ONE more day left to experience it again.

weirdest funk EVER of late. my smile has receded into a musky cavern, while sadness runs rampant. i attempt to be social but i crave invisibility. cry/laugh/smile/crylaughsmilecrylaughsmile..rinse and repeat.
maybe it's my femininity or the fact that i JUST got back from 3 intense days of RISD catch up. the pre-college did have a profound effect on my scrawny life and delving back into memories is emotional. chloe did a FABuLOUS 3 hours both ways driving >applause<

ps: it is NOT a new year. THAT is what THeY are shouting at you, but here nature and i are whispering that nothing's changed. sure, we can hang up that new mail order calendar with the cute endangered animals, but HEY! you and i haven't grown any new hairs or come up with some packaged form of enlightenment so sit back, relax, and forget how many years/days/hours/minutes/seconds a certain sect of humanity has determined we should celebrate and just celebrate. damnit.
pss: i spent last night a small hole i call my room. eating and sleeping until the outside world quieted down.

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Subject:	i am so emotional it hurts
Time:	11:17 pm.

"Today" by the Smashing Pumpkins is melting music: i crumble while listening.

WE ACTUALLY READ THE ESSAY. pshhhhhh

so i am off to upstate ny to party with some of my fellow artists. cachiiiiiiiiing!
and i'm expecting great times, and nothing less will do. :)
YOU cannot comprehend the magnitude of excitement. and right now and letting it all hang out, literally, since i'm lounging all over this rollie chair, head cocked uncomfortably to one side and letting the computer screen carry my little feverish imagination away.

break has been luscious.
and i can't decided if i'm hungry. ????? can u help?

so i've been on this godawful, i didn't mean that, machine for practically the WHOLE day. BECAUSE. the NEW ipod needed some loving. i was a complete skeptic about christmas presents this year and REALLY did not give a flip, but my dad "splurged" (his words). and i will be dressed to impress with technological accesories.
city yesterday was hotness. lets talk 10 girls on a train, a subway, and a mission. lex and i hit that 50% off sale at nine west with no mercy, and i hailed the shoe gods. saw eddie and natalie cole (sp?) which was a heart attack. train ride home was 100% laughter. then i killed the evening with some mark time at some kid's house, where i proceeded to make a complete ass of myself in EVERY way possible, BUT i did rehash relationships with motown kids i have not seen in years.

today i felt gross and did nothing of use, except love the world. so now i will be cool and pack for this magical trip
(i have a fever people)

i would appreciate hearing from friends while i'm in binghampton so give me a shout and u'll make my day!

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Time:

12:29 pm.

heyheyhey

i thought yesterday was beautiful, despite the rain instead of snow and the humid 68 degrees when we should be below 20 by now. but WHATEVER it was a refreshing break from nursing chapped hands and scraping frosted car windows, which we have in store for the next tWO months.

ppl ask why i celebrate christian holidays and don't dabble into chanukah (i know i spelled that wrong) an such since i am equally as jewish. well, kids, the answer lies in consumerism and the pungent smell of a pine tree parked in your foyer: it's irrisistable. BUT i have just added annie to the list of my jewish mentors b/c i do feel the need to learn where i am lacking, and the lovely heidi has been my theology mentor since the once upon a time that was cosi.

in other news:

i am santa's lil helper: purchasing, wrapping, and what not. taking Renee shopping today at livingston and hopefully checking out this notorious h&m. it should be disastrous. then baking and more wrapping.

yesterday was a nice preview of breakdom to come:

secret santa party was adorable, and props to di's mom for the GREAT salad, which i horded so dutifully. i feel badly about jessie's gift b/c i didn't realize (and if your reading this)she/you had posted what u wanted on ur lj. my bad. but i hope u like woolly willy just as much. :) i love those girls.
after much bustlin i purchased napoleon dynamite for Caroline and me. mmmmm we are such xmas hos
and met at the diner to discuss party rendezvous. bambambam.
o and btw, all are welcome to my classy porno bash sometime in february, which means i AM relying on all of u 18 year olds to provide the necessary material for our explicit buffet madness, which will be joined by upscale beverages and finger lickin good fried foods. :)

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